July 30th

Today is the 30th day of July which means today would have been my dad's 58th birthday.

this was his mad, "I'm going to yell at you for embarrassing me when we get back to the car" face

I am experiencing a really weird mix of emotions which I guess I will describe as sad. Not sad like a felt last year - the first year without him - when all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. This saddness is more like emotional exhaustion. I just don't really want to think about it. Unlike my mom or sister, I don't want to reminisce about his past birthdays which we always spent in Daytona Beach. [Although I will share this picture with you of his last birthday that we were all together. This was at his favorite seafood restuarant and he was really embarrassed about the birthday song they sang him. He hated to have attention drawn to himself.] I don't want to go out to dinner (which, due to the 500 miles that seperate us, I'm not able to do anyway)with my entire family to "celebrate" his birthday. I just want to let this day pass and keep moving on.

I'm learning that there is no set amount of time that "the greiving process" is supposed to last, that it is different for everyone and that some days it looks different that others. Today, this is what it looks like for me. And I'm okay with that.