.the last time.

Happy Monday!
How was your Mother's Day?
Ours was low-key.

This was my first Mother's Day away from family
so I was a little sad.
We talked and Skyped with them all which was nice.

About half way through the day
I remembered that

Mother's Day three years ago
was the last time I saw my dad.
I talked to him on the phone a two days before he died
but Mother's Day 2008 was the last day that I
saw his face,
hugged him
and spent time with him.

Even though I was completely blindsided
when my dad took his life,
I did know that he was struggling with depression.
And I knew that he had thought about suicide
but I honestly never, ever dreamed
that he would actually do it.
{That's not to say that I made light of his words.
Threats of suicide should always be taken seriously.
It's just that, given how my dad was,
I never thought he would do something that drastic.}

We had conversations about it,
I told him how much we needed and loved him.
I told him that I really didn't think God intended suicide to be a viable option for dealing with depression.
But mostly, I prayed for him.
I prayed tearful, on my knees before God prayers
for my dad.
Yet he still died.

Do I think that my prayers didn't matter?
No.
Do I think that God ignored me?
No.

I don't know
why God allows certain things to happen.
And I won't pretend like I do.
Nor will I be so audacious as to
blame him for anything bad that happens.

Earlier this year I was reminded that:
Having faith doesn't mean that I trust that
God will make every situation turn out the way that I think it should.


Having faith means that I trust that no matter what happens,
God is still God; He is still in control.

Since my dad died,
God has been faithful in so many ways.
He gave me peace when everything was chaotic.
He gave me words to honor my dad at his memorial service.
He provided through so many people, sometimes in very unlikely ways.
He brought my family together to help each other greive.
He has given me opportunities to share about my dad, mental illness and suicide prevention.
He has strengthened my faith.
He has made me more compassionate and more intentional.
And those are just some of the things that He has done in my life.
I feel confident that He is working in countless other ways as well.

I think about my dad every single day.
Some days are harder than others.
It was sad to walk down the aisle without him.
I frequently discover things that he would have loved and want so badly to tell him about them.
I hate that he doesn't know the person that I am today;
even though its only been 3 years, my life is so  very different.
Holidays are still hard.
It makes me really sad to know that my future children will never know him.

But I trust my God.
I trust that He does and will make good from bad.

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